How To Profit From Global Warming

The debate is over. The verdict is in. The discussion has ended. Nobody can dispute any longer that global warming has become the most lucrative scam in history. And if you're a scientist, a politician, or an entrepreneur, you can get in on the action. Here's how:

SCIENTISTS

The first and most important thing to remember is that you need to do your part to keep the scam afloat. It's actually pretty easy because most of your colleagues are on the bandwagon already. Some of them have doubts, to be sure, but they're kept in line by the unwritten Global Warming Pact, which states: "We shall not cast doubts on global warming. We shall not raise questions about global warming. We shall join the chorus of yay-sayers all the day long. And if ye don't, ye shall be beaten to a bloody pulp by the scientific community and the mainstream media. For we must keep the scam alive."

Once you find yourself marching in lockstep with The Cause, you need to give presentations and write articles about how everyone is underestimating the danger of GW and demand more government funding. This is your obligation in order to get your piece of the billion-dollar pie. Nothin' like free money from the taxpayers! In no time you'll be rolling in funding. Don't worry about actually having to do any work. If the government or the university comes snooping around asking for the results of your research, just say something like "as yet, the data doesn't support any conclusions." All you need to do is make dire predictions about melting ice caps and skyscrapers under water. Works like a charm.

POLITICIANS

Scaring up votes has never been easier. Now that you've got an impending disaster of cataclysmic proportions in your corner, the next election will be a knockout. After all, how can you lose? All your Democrat colleagues are in on The Game, and your Republican opponents have been so thoroughly thrashed by the media that they don't dare raise a hand in opposition. And the vast majority of scientists have been duped or terrified into jumping on board, which paves your way to a landslide victory come November.

ENTREPRENEURS

Two words: carbon credits. Selling carbon offset credits could be the easiest buck you've ever turned. There's a boatload of money to be made, and here's how it works: In your native country, find a government official in charge of environmental concerns. Bribe him into granting you exclusive rights to sell carbon credits, which in effect are rights to pollute. You can charge astronomical prices for these little beauties, because industrial companies won't be able to remain in business without them. And the best thing is, you have no expenses. You don't even have to buy anything. Heck, you're really not selling anything but pieces of paper with printer ink on them. The words "hand over fist" may come to mind.

Whether you're a scientist, a politician, or an entrepreneur, the global warming gig may be your golden ticket. The sooner you get your chips in the game, the better, because the ruse of the millenium can only last for so long.